After 20 Years, Nokia Quietly Drops Online Multiplayer Support for the N-Gage

HELSINKI — In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Nokia, the Finnish telecommunications company that refuses to go quietly into the night, has finally decided to pull the plug on online multiplayer support for its ancient gaming device, the N-Gage. In a tragic turn of events, the once-thriving community has dwindled down to a mere two players, marking a staggering decline from the grand total of four players that remained as of 2022.

The N-Gage, a technological marvel that combined the powers of a mobile phone and a mediocre gaming console, had been teetering on the precipice of extinction for years. Its taco-shaped form factor and perplexing control scheme left players feeling like they were fumbling through a maze of frustration, desperately trying to press the right buttons without accidentally initiating an international call to Aunt Edna.

“Let’s be honest here, folks,” said Nokia spokesperson Anni Salmela with a sigh. “We’ve been holding onto this online multiplayer support for way longer than we should have. It’s time to face the reality that no one in their right mind wants to spend their precious gaming time battling it out on a screen the size of a postage stamp.”

The announcement of the multiplayer shutdown led to a surge of emotions in the remaining N-Gage duo. “It’s going to be tough,” said Timmy Thompson, one of the last two players. “Who will I compete against now? It’s just me and Phil, and Phil is terrible. I mean, seriously, how is he so bad at Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004?”

Phil, the other remaining player, nodded in agreement. “Yeah, it’s a sad day for gaming, my friend. But hey, at least we can say we were the best two players in the entire N-Gage universe. It’s a title that holds as much weight as being the tallest gnome in a garden.”

Social media, usually bustling with trending topics and viral memes, briefly paused to acknowledge the passing of the N-Gage’s online multiplayer era. Hashtags like #NokiasLastStand and #TwoIsTheLoneliestNumber began circulating, with memes depicting two lonely avatars staring blankly at each other in the deserted gaming landscape.

Despite the lack of online opponents, the dynamic duo of Timmy and Phil plans to continue their epic battles, undeterred by the glaring absence of a player base. “We’ll just have to get more creative,” Timmy stated with unwavering determination. “Maybe we can invent new multiplayer games where we take turns, or even devise a point system based on how many times we accidentally drop our N-Gages.”

As Nokia takes its final bow and exits the stage of the gaming world, the N-Gage will be remembered as a quirky relic from a bygone era — a testament to the resilience of a company that refused to give up until the bitter end. The two remaining players will undoubtedly cherish their exclusive club of N-Gage gaming legends, continuing to play their hearts out until the inevitable day arrives when their devices become nothing more than dusty museum artifacts.

And so, as the curtain falls on the N-Gage’s multiplayer support, we bid farewell to a time when gaming was simpler, connections were slower, and the community could fit comfortably inside a minivan. May the legacy of the N-Gage live on in the hearts of Timmy and Phil, forever bound by their shared love for outdated technology and terrible ergonomic design.