All Major Gig-Economy Apps have Been Acquired by Gigr, Federal Government Unable to Bust Monopoly

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning turn of events, all major gig-economy apps, including Uber, Instacart, Fiver, Air BnB, GrubHub, and even the notorious lobbyist-for-hire app “Speccints,” have been acquired by a mysterious conglomerate known as Gigr. As a result, the federal government finds itself in a state of despair, realizing the Herculean task of busting this gargantuan monopoly.

Gig workers, who are already pushed to their limits, face even more challenges under the reign of Gigr. Gone are the days of reasonable working hours, as the poor souls toil for a staggering 22 hours a day. They navigate endless miles, chauffeuring customers, delivering goods, and performing odd jobs, all while trying to keep their eyes open and their sanity intact.

But that’s not all. In a bid to squeeze every ounce of profitability from the workers, Gigr has implemented a diabolical scheme to eliminate tips. Yes, you heard it right — tips, those little nuggets of appreciation that once brought a glimmer of hope to the hearts of gig workers, have been banished. Instead, the workers are now provided with temporary housing and meager rations directly from the very app-services they slave away for. Forget about a normal paycheck; they must survive on the crumbs left behind by the corporate overlords.

The federal government, known for its swift and decisive actions against monopolistic practices, is left scratching its head, pondering the magnitude of this challenge. With Gigr’s acquisition of every major gig-economy app, they find themselves trapped in a maze of red tape and legal loopholes. One can almost picture the government officials buried under piles of paperwork, their brows furrowed in frustration.

To make matters worse, the introduction of the Speccints app has raised eyebrows and sent shockwaves through Capitol Hill. This app, specifically designed for special interests and their lobbyists, has given Gigr an impenetrable shield against potential antitrust lawsuits. With the ability to manipulate and influence legislation, Gigr seems untouchable.

“The level of consolidation we’re witnessing is unprecedented,” said one industry expert. “It’s like the gig-economy version of a supervillain team-up. The government will need more than just a few legal eagles to tackle this behemoth.”

While the future seems bleak for gig workers, some optimists point out that this may be the perfect opportunity for a new kind of rebellion. They envision a day when the workers rise up, armed with smartphones and protest signs, demanding fair treatment and dignity. But until then, the gig workers remain pawns in the hands of Gigr, destined to work tirelessly, sleeplessly, and tiplessly, all in the name of profits.

In the face of this unprecedented gig-economy monopoly, the federal government is left with one burning question: “Will anyone deliver us from this gig-economy Goliath?”