Archeologists Discover Ancient Computer Virus That’s Been Infecting Abacuses Since 400 BCE

A team of archeologists from the University of Missouri has made a shocking discovery: an ancient computer virus that has been infecting abacuses, the earliest known calculating devices, since 400 BCE.

The virus, dubbed Abacus-400, is believed to be the oldest and most persistent malware in history, affecting millions of abacuses across various civilizations and cultures. The virus works by subtly altering the positions of the beads on the abacus, causing errors in calculations and leading to disastrous consequences such as wars, famines, plagues, and economic collapses.

The archeologists stumbled upon the virus while excavating a site in Mesopotamia, where they found several abacuses with unusual patterns of beads. They initially thought that the abacuses were used for some kind of ritual or game, but after further analysis, they realized that they were infected with a malicious code that corrupted their functions.

“We were amazed and horrified by what we found,” said Dr. Lisa Jones, the leader of the archeological team. “This virus is a masterpiece of ancient engineering and evil. It has been hiding in plain sight for thousands of years, manipulating the course of human history.”

The archeologists have been very careful not to expose any modern hardware to the virus, as there is currently no known cure or antivirus program that can detect or remove it. Even though the technology is ancient, the virus is extremely sophisticated and adaptable, capable of infecting any device that uses binary logic, such as computers, smartphones, and calculators.

“We don’t know who created this virus, or what their motive was, but we suspect that they were either a genius or a madman, or both,” said Dr. Jones. “We are working hard to find a way to stop this menace, before it causes more damage to our civilization and future generations.”

The archeologists have also discovered evidence that the virus may have been responsible for several major catastrophes in history, such as the fall of Atlantis, the collapse of the Mesopotamian empire, and the eruption of Vesuvius. They are currently investigating the possible links between the virus and other historical events, such as the rise and fall of Rome, the Crusades, and the Black Death.

“This is the most serious threat that humanity has ever faced,” said Dr. Jones. “We are dealing with a digital demon that has been lurking in the shadows for millennia. We must act now, or we may not have a tomorrow.”

The archeologists have warned the public to avoid using any abacuses that they may encounter, and to report any suspicious or anomalous behavior to the authorities. They have also urged the government and the tech industry to invest more resources and research into developing a solution for the Abacus-400 virus, before it is too late.