Climatologists Switch To Destroying The Earth As Quickly As Possible, Say It's Far More Ethical

WASHINGTON—In a shocking reversal of their previous stance, a group of prominent climatologists announced Monday that they have decided to switch to destroying the earth as quickly as possible, saying that it is far more ethical than trying to save it.

"We have come to the conclusion that the earth is doomed, and that the best thing we can do is to hasten its demise and end the suffering of all living beings," said Dr. James Hansen, former director of NASA's Goddard Institute for Space Studies and one of the leading voices in the field of climate science. "We have realized that our efforts to mitigate climate change were not only futile, but actually immoral, as they prolonged the agony of a dying planet and its inhabitants."

Hansen and his colleagues said that they have devised a plan to accelerate the greenhouse effect, melt the polar ice caps, raise the sea level, trigger massive natural disasters, and unleash deadly diseases and pests, all with the aim of wiping out life on earth as soon as possible.

"We have already begun to implement our plan, using our influence and connections to sabotage renewable energy projects, promote fossil fuel consumption, spread misinformation and denial, and lobby for policies that favor short-term profits over long-term sustainability," Hansen said. "We are also working on developing new technologies that will enhance our destructive capabilities, such as geoengineering schemes that will alter the earth's albedo, aerosol injections that will deplete the ozone layer, and nuclear weapons that will create radioactive fallout."

Hansen said that he and his fellow climatologists are motivated by a sense of compassion and mercy, and that they believe that destroying the earth is the most humane option available.

"We are not evil, we are not insane, we are not nihilists," Hansen said. "We are simply realistic. We have seen the data, we have seen the projections, we have seen the consequences. We know that there is no hope, no future, no salvation for this planet. We know that the only way to end the suffering is to end the existence of the planet itself."

Hansen said that he hopes that the public will understand and support their decision, and that he urges everyone to join them in their mission.

"We are not asking for your forgiveness, we are asking for your help," Hansen said. "We are asking you to join us in this noble and necessary cause. We are asking you to do your part to destroy the earth as quickly as possible. We are asking you to be ethical, to be compassionate, to be merciful. We are asking you to be climatologists."