God Wakes Up Upset After 2024-Year Long Nap

HEAVEN — God, the creator of the universe and the supreme being of the Abrahamic religions, woke up from a 2024-year long nap on Monday, only to find out that the world he left behind was in a state of chaos and misery.

“I was feeling a bit tired after the resurrection of my son, so I decided to take a short sabbatical and catch some Z’s,” God said in an exclusive interview with Holy Christ Monthly. “I thought I set the alarm for a few centuries, but I guess I hit the snooze button too many times. Oops.”

God said he was shocked and dismayed by the current state of affairs on Earth, where global warming, gun violence, pandemics, wars, poverty, and corruption were rampant.

“I expected to wake up to a near utopia based on the teachings of my son, who sacrificed himself for the sins of humanity,” God said. “Instead, I see that people have twisted and distorted his message, and used it to justify hatred, intolerance, and violence. What the hell, guys?”

God said he was especially disappointed by the actions of some of his followers, who claimed to speak in his name and do his will, but were actually doing the opposite.

“Some of these so-called ‘Christians’ are the worst offenders,” God said. “They are hypocrites, liars, and frauds. They worship money, power, and fame, instead of love, compassion, and justice. They oppress the poor, the sick, and the marginalized, instead of helping them. They judge and condemn others, instead of forgiving them. They are nothing like my son, who was humble, kind, and generous.”

God said he was also appalled by the behavior of some of his other children, who followed different religions or no religion at all.

“They are all equally guilty of sin and ignorance,” God said. “They are all my creations, and they are all loved by me. But they have forgotten their common origin and destiny, and have divided themselves into factions and tribes. They have killed and hurt each other in the name of religion, ideology, or nationality. They have neglected and abused the Earth, which I gave them as a gift. They have wasted and squandered the resources and opportunities I bestowed upon them.”

God said he was considering taking drastic measures to fix the mess he found on Earth, such as sending world-wide fire, a meteor, or a plague.

“Maybe I should just wipe the slate clean and start over,” God said. “Or maybe I should just give up and let them sort it out themselves. Or maybe I should just go back to sleep and forget about it. I don’t know. I’m so confused and angry right now.”

God said he hoped that his children would wake up and realize their mistakes, and repent and change their ways, before it was too late.

“I still love them, despite everything they have done,” God said. “But they have to love each other, and themselves, and the world I created for them. They have to follow the golden rule, and do unto others as they would have them do unto them. They have to listen to their conscience, and follow the light within them. They have to seek the truth, and the good, and the beautiful. They have to be the best versions of themselves, and make the world a better place. That’s all I ever wanted for them. Is that too much to ask?”