Homeland Security Warns Hackers Might Have Unrestricted Access to the Internet

In a groundbreaking press conference that disrupted the nation’s collective coffee break, the Department of Homeland Security has issued a dire warning that hackers — those shadowy figures of digital lore — might actually have the ability to access the internet without any restrictions, oversight, or even a polite heads-up.

“We’re advising all citizens to remain calm,” a DHS spokesperson announced, their voice trembling slightly as they eyed their smartphone suspiciously. “But our latest intelligence suggests that individuals with a penchant for chaos can just… get on the internet. And once they’re on there, they could potentially use it to do hacker things, like creating misleading blog posts or sending emails without using a subject line.”

The report goes on to detail that these hackers, armed with nothing more than a Wi-Fi connection, a questionable sense of humor, and a surplus of free time, are capable of visiting websites of all kinds, sending emails with reckless abandon, and even posting tweets on X.

In response to this alarming development, officials have recommended several precautionary measures, including changing all passwords to “password1234” for ease of government oversight, speaking in code over social media platforms, and avoiding the use of any electronic devices that might connect to the web, such as smart refrigerators, particularly advanced toasters, or those watches that tell you how many steps you’ve taken.

The DHS has also suggested that citizens invest in a good old-fashioned set of encyclopedias, as “you never know when Wikipedia might just be a front for the hacker agenda.”

At press time, the DHS was seen distributing carrier pigeons to various government agencies, stating, “It’s the only way to be sure.”

In a last-ditch effort to combat this unrestricted access, the government has proposed a new initiative: “Operation Firewall,” which involves building an actual wall around all known hackers and hoping they don’t have Wi-Fi extenders.

As the nation grapples with this new threat, one thing is clear: the internet is a wild place.