Microsoft Accidentally Buys Walmart

Redmond, WA — In a stunning turn of events, tech giant Microsoft has accidentally acquired Walmart, the world’s largest retailer. The deal, which was reportedly signed during a late-night PowerPoint presentation, has left both companies scratching their heads.

Clippy’s Role in the Acquisition

Sources close to the negotiations reveal that Clippy, the infamous paperclip assistant from Microsoft Office, played a crucial role in sealing the deal. Apparently, Clippy popped up on the screen just as the executives were about to close the PowerPoint presentation. His pixelated eyes widened, and he uttered his iconic phrase: “It looks like you’re trying to buy a retail empire. Need help?”

The Walmart board members, caught off guard, exchanged bewildered glances. “We thought we were just getting a new printer,” one executive confessed. “But suddenly, we’re part of the Microsoft family. It’s like accidentally swiping right on Tinder and waking up married.”

Satya Nadella’s Apology

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella held an emergency press conference to address the situation. “Look, we were trying to optimize our supply chain algorithms, and somehow, we ended up with 11,000 Walmart stores,” Nadella explained. “It happens to the best of us. But hey, now we can offer Windows updates and rollback prices simultaneously!”

Walmart Greeters Replaced by Cortana

As part of the merger, Walmart greeters will be replaced by Cortana, Microsoft’s virtual assistant. Customers entering the store will be greeted with phrases like:

• “Welcome to Walmart! Would you like me to find the nearest exit?”
• “It looks like you’re buying toilet paper. Need assistance?”
• “I’m sorry, but your shopping cart has encountered a critical error. Please restart your shopping experience.”

Xbox Consoles Now Sold in Aisle 9

In a move to integrate gaming and groceries, Walmart will now feature an Xbox section next to the frozen foods. Customers can grab a bag of peas and a copy of Halo Infinite in one convenient trip. Plus, the self-checkout machines will play the iconic Xbox startup sound when you scan your items.

Bill Gates Spotted in the Garden Center

Rumors are swirling that Bill Gates was seen browsing the garden center, contemplating whether to plant Windows 11 or stick with Windows 10. “I hear the soil here is great for software development,” Gates allegedly mused.

The Future of Walmart WordArt

Finally, the fate of Walmart’s beloved WordArt signs remains uncertain. Will they be replaced with sleek Helvetica fonts? Or will Clippy himself design the new signage? Only time will tell.