Police Have No Leads on the Identity of the “Liminal Criminal”

In a baffling turn of events, local law enforcement officials are scratching their heads over a series of peculiar break-ins that have left residents both bewildered and mildly disoriented. The elusive perpetrator, dubbed the “Liminal Criminal,” has managed to evade capture while leaving behind a trail of eerily transformed homes.

Detective Angela Simmons, head of the Police Department’s Unconventional Crimes Unit, spoke to us about the ongoing investigation. “We’ve seen our fair share of burglaries, but this one takes the cake,” she said, adjusting her oversized magnifying glass. “The Liminal Criminal doesn’t fit the usual profile. No stolen jewelry, no smashed windows, and not a single missing TV. Instead, we’re dealing with an artist of the absurd.”

So, what exactly does the Liminal Criminal do? According to eyewitness accounts, here’s the modus operandi:

1. Furniture Relocation: The Liminal Criminal breaks into homes under the cover of night. But instead of swiping valuables, they meticulously move all the furniture outside. Sofas, dining tables, bookshelves — you name it. Imagine returning from a weekend getaway to find your living room set up on the front lawn like a suburban yard sale.
2. Overhead Fluorescent Lights: The pièce de résistance is the installation of overhead fluorescent lights. These cold, flickering tubes are strategically placed throughout the house, casting an otherworldly glow on the bare walls. “It’s like stepping into the waiting room of existence,” said one bewildered homeowner. “I half-expected to see a sign that reads ‘Your Number Will Be Called Shortly.’”
3. No Theft, No Damage: Remarkably, the Liminal Criminal doesn’t steal a single thing. Not even a stray sock. And they take great care not to damage any property. “It’s almost considerate,” mused Detective Simmons. “They’re like the Marie Kondo of home invaders — except instead of sparking joy, they spark existential dread.”

Local resident Gary Thompson recounted his encounter with the Liminal Criminal. “I walked in, and there it was — the void. My La-Z-Boy recliner sat forlornly on the dewy grass, bathed in the sterile glow of those cursed fluorescent tubes. I thought I’d stumbled into a David Lynch film.”

The police have set up a hotline for tips, but so far, the leads have been as elusive as the Liminal Criminal. “We’ve received calls about interdimensional beings, time-traveling decorators, and even a rogue IKEA employee,” said Detective Simmons. “But nothing concrete.”

As the investigation continues, residents are left pondering the deeper questions: Is our reality merely a cosmic waiting room? Are we all just misplaced furniture, yearning for a purpose? And most importantly, how do we get our couches back inside?

In the meantime, the Liminal Criminal remains at large, leaving behind a trail of existential bewilderment. If you see a suspicious figure carrying a step ladder and humming Erik Satie’s “Gymnopédie №1,” please contact the police department. And remember, when life hands you fluorescent lights, make a liminal space.