President Trump Releases His Own Bible Translation, the PTV
UPDATE 3/27/2024: HE ACTUALLY DID IT:
God Bless The USA Bible
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise announcement on Monday, President Donald Trump revealed that he has completed his own translation of the bible, which he claims is the most accurate and modern version ever produced. The new translation, dubbed the President Trump Version (PTV), is based on the King James Version (KJV), but with some “minor adjustments” to reflect the president’s views and style.
“I have always loved the bible, it’s my favorite book, but I felt that it needed some updating and improvement,” Trump said at a press conference, holding a gold-plated copy of the PTV. “The KJV is too old and outdated, it has a lot of fake news and errors in it. So I decided to make my own translation, the best translation ever, believe me. Nobody knows the bible better than me, nobody.”
Trump said that he spent several months working on the PTV, with the help of some “very smart and loyal” advisers, such as his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani, his spiritual adviser Paula White, and his former press secretary Kayleigh McEnany. He said that he used the original Hebrew and Greek texts, as well as his own “genius intuition”, to create the PTV.
“Some people say that you need to be a scholar or a theologian to translate the bible, but that’s not true. You just need to be a very stable genius, like me. I have a great brain, a very good brain. I know more than the professors and the priests and the pope. They are all losers and haters. The PTV is the only translation that tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
Trump said that the PTV has many advantages over other translations, such as being more clear, concise, and consistent. He said that he simplified and shortened many verses, removed unnecessary words and punctuation, and corrected many mistakes and contradictions. He also said that he added some new verses and chapters, based on his own experiences and insights.
“For example, in the PTV, the Ten Commandments are now the Ten Suggestions, because I don’t like to be told what to do. And I added a new commandment, which is ‘Thou shalt not impeach the president, for he is chosen by God and can do no wrong’. That’s very important, very biblical.”
Trump also said that he made some changes to the names and stories of some biblical characters, to make them more relevant and relatable to modern readers. He said that he renamed some of the apostles, such as Peter, who is now called Mike, after his vice president Mike Pence, and Judas, who is now called Joe, after his rival Joe Biden. He also said that he altered some of the events and miracles, such as the feeding of the five thousand, which is now the feeding of the five million, and the resurrection of Lazarus, which is now the resurrection of himself, after he recovered from COVID-19.
“I think that the PTV is very inspiring and uplifting, it shows how great I am, and how great America is. It’s the best bible ever, it’s tremendous, it’s huge. Everyone should read it, and follow it, and love it. And anyone who doesn’t, well, they will face the wrath of God, and the wrath of me. Because I am the chosen one, I am the messiah, I am the king of kings. Nobody can stop me, nobody can beat me. I am the greatest, I am the best, I am the PTV.”
