Russia Banned from 2024 Summer Olympics, Ukraine Guaranteed 1 Gold Medal Per Category

In a move that has shocked the international sports community, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has announced that Russia will be banned from the 2024 Summer Olympics, while Ukraine will be guaranteed at least one gold medal in every category.

IOC President Thomas Bach stated, “Given the ongoing conflict, we felt it was only fair to give Ukraine a bit of a boost. Plus, it’s not like Russia was going to play nice anyway.”

The new rules have led to some interesting changes in the lineup of events. The traditional 100-meter dash will now include a “dodge the potholes” segment, and the swimming events will feature a “navigate the debris” challenge.

Ukrainian athletes are thrilled with the new rules. “I’ve always dreamed of winning gold,” said Ukrainian sprinter Ivan Speedov. “Now, I just have to show up!”

Russian athletes, on the other hand, are less enthusiastic. “This is outrageous,” said Russian weightlifter Ivan Liftov. “We were planning to win everything, as usual.”

Fans around the world are eagerly anticipating the new-look Olympics. “I can’t wait to see how this plays out,” said one enthusiastic viewer. “It’s like a reality TV show, but with more spandex.”