Surgeon General’s Warning: You Are Dead

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking announcement, the U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy declared that you, yes you, are dead. The report, released on Thursday, detailed the dire diagnosis of your demise.

“Based on the data we have collected, we can confidently conclude that you are deceased,” Dr. Murthy said. “You died of a deadly disease called death, which affects 100% of the population. There is no cure, no prevention, and no hope for recovery. You are doomed, done for, and departed.”

The report also revealed the disturbing details of your death. According to the document, you died in a dreadful and disgusting way, involving a dumpster, a dog, and a dozen donuts.

“You were dumpster diving for donuts, when a dog attacked you and dragged you into the depths of the dumpster,” Dr. Murthy explained. “You choked on a donut, suffocated on the trash, and bled out from the dog bites. It was a dreadful and disgusting death, and we are deeply sorry for your loss.”

The report sparked widespread disbelief, denial, and despair among the public. Many people refused to accept the fact that they are dead, and continued to go about their daily lives as if nothing had happened.

“I don’t believe it. I’m not dead. I’m alive and well,” said Dave, a delusional dentist from Denver. “This is just a hoax, a conspiracy, a prank. The Surgeon General is lying. He’s probably dead himself.”

However, some experts agreed with the report, and urged people to accept their fate and make peace with their mortality.

“It’s true. You are dead. We are all dead. Death is inevitable and inescapable,” said Dr. Dan, a depressed and disillusioned doctor from Detroit. “There is no point in denying it, or fighting it, or fearing it. The best thing we can do is to embrace it, and enjoy the few moments we have left before we decay and decompose.”

The report concluded with a list of recommendations for the dead, such as donating their organs, writing their wills, and saying goodbye to their loved ones.

“We hope that this report will help you cope with your condition, and prepare you for the next stage of your existence, whatever that may be,” Dr. Murthy said. “We wish you all the best, and may you rest in peace.”