“Don’t Trust Anyone” Says Pentagon, After Admitting to Being Completely Infiltrated by 13 Individual Undercover Hacking Agencies

Birds Might Be Spies, Too

Washington, D.C. — In a shocking revelation that has left the nation in disbelief, the Pentagon announced today that it has fallen victim to a cunning infiltration by not one, not two, but thirteen undercover hacking agencies. The admission has sent shockwaves through the highest echelons of power, leaving Americans questioning the very fabric of their trust in institutions.

In a press conference held yesterday, Defense Secretary Gen. Mark R. Milley, with a grave expression, warned the public about the dire state of national security. “We regret to inform the American people that the Pentagon, the symbol of our nation’s defense, has been completely infiltrated by a clandestine network of hacking agencies,” Gen. Milley announced. “Our trusted systems have been compromised, and we have discovered that there are currently thirteen separate undercover agencies operating within our walls.”

The Pentagon’s unprecedented vulnerability has led to widespread paranoia among the public, with citizens now questioning whom they can trust in their daily lives. Gen. Milley’s quote quickly gained notoriety, adding a surreal twist to an already bewildering situation. “Don’t trust your bank, don’t trust your ISP, don’t trust your cell carrier, don’t trust your neighbor; and especially don’t trust birds,” he exclaimed, leaving the audience dumbfounded.

The mention of birds in Gen. Milley’s warning has led to a flurry of conspiracy theories speculating on their potential role in the infiltration. Social media has been flooded with memes and jokes, with users sharing videos of birds perched suspiciously on power lines or staring directly into security cameras. Hashtags such as #BirdsAreSpies and #FeatheredInfiltration quickly gained popularity, fueling a mix of amusement and genuine concern.

As news of the Pentagon’s breach spreads, the public’s trust in institutions has plummeted. Confidence in national security agencies, already shaky due to recent controversies, has hit an all-time low. Conspiracy theories that were once dismissed as fringe ideas are now gaining traction, with people questioning the very fabric of reality.

In the wake of this revelation, citizens have taken it upon themselves to ensure their own security. DIY counter-surveillance workshops are springing up across the country, teaching individuals how to detect hidden cameras, encrypt their communications, and build Faraday cages to protect against electronic eavesdropping. Some have gone as far as conducting “bird sweeps,” analyzing avian activity around their homes to ensure they are not unwittingly providing information to the hidden hacking agencies.

While the situation may seem grim, the Pentagon has assured the public that they are working diligently to eradicate the infiltrators and fortify their defenses. Gen. Milley emphasized the importance of staying vigilant and cautious in these troubled times. “Trust must be earned, not blindly given,” he stated, urging citizens to remain skeptical and exercise caution in their daily lives.

As the nation grapples with this unprecedented breach of trust, one thing is certain: the effects of this revelation will be felt for years to come. The Pentagon’s admission serves as a stark reminder that in an interconnected world, the lines between friend and foe, ally and adversary, can blur beyond recognition. The question remains: who can we trust when even the heart of the nation’s defense has been compromised?